Freitag, Mai 24, 2002

I cannot get to sleep. Is my mind unsettled? I would think it is. But what is on my mind? Many things.

a) As the days crawl to a slow yet unnerving anticipation of the posting result for admission to a local university, I cannot help but think of the worst. Have faith and I hear it. I would ask for Him to grant me a place there. My hopes, my dreams, my future, my life does depend on this very crucial turning point. Just like my friend says, she too faces the juxtaposition of what if for the one conclusion of furthering her studies. A stake: to gamble or not. At least, her options are much more desirable than mine. I need, I want, I pray. Devil plays tricks with my mind that this could be -the fall-.

b) One of my best friends told me she has to repeat half a year for a module she has flunked and to take two sub-papers a week later. She has also decided to give up gathering on Wednesdays for bible study because of this. She feels that she has neglected her schoolwork as a result of that. I do not know what to say. Anguish and silence overcame me once again. Why anguish? Was there a sense of despondency too? All this while, she gives me the impression that she is lukewarm. The fact is that her priorities have been misplaced. She is deluded in her whole world too. Don't we? I try to stay non-judgmental. So, it is best that I keep my trap up. Would I be better off otherwise? Maybe, tables would turn around if I thrash things out in the open. Is it to her benefit or to unleash my raging emotions? Both.

c) Yeah, I have finally joined the bandwagon of being attached. I love this man/boy very much. Events in my life are re-adjusted. Not that I am pleasantly pleased and welcome the change. What can I say, it is just one of the phases in life that we all face. [Here, my concentration level starts to dip] I want to be independent. I do not want my life to revolve around him alone. What happened to my determined-self who seeks personal interests and prefers the pursuit of intellectual knowledge more than anything, including boys? Now, wavering to circumstances encompassing me. Years gone by, like the limestone architecture, I have been worn down seasons after seasons, years after years to a weary, docile peasant. Still, obstinate as ever.

Bugging issues. A personal repose. For an audience to read and air their views? Tell me what is real. Change is inevitable. Sometimes, it brings with it great suffering.

# one caramel latte for the road lili-dime | 9:57 PM |